I was invited to share my testimony with a group of pastors and ministry leaders in South Bend on March 10, 2022. I condensed the book of 235 pages into 10 minutes.
God’s radical love began transforming my heart through the love and death of my husband, Scott. “Showered By Grace” reveals the details.
In 2005 I woke up with the revelation that my life was going to completely change. I was stunned. I did not understand how this could happen. Days, weeks, months passed, and everything was the same. That initial excitement faded and I began to believe it was all a dream. Why would God bless me so dramatically when I had not lived for Him? I had not followed God as an adult, only going to Sunday School as a child into my mid-teens when our neighborhood church moved out of the area. I had not earned His blessing.
I married my high school sweetheart as a teenager, and we had a good life. Two children and 16 years later my husband became restless, critical, and absent from the family. He ended our marriage in 1996, and life changed to bleak existence for the next nine years. I had nothing to fall back on and I knew I had to take care of myself. I was not interested in a relationship and work/income became my primary focus. My children ultimately chose to live with their dad where life was comfortable without lack. I understood their decision, but my heart was broken. Life seemingly had no purpose beyond loss and struggle. I prayed and cried over my children every day during those years, but I had no faith in prayers for myself. I did not know how to relate to God or how to let God help me. I perceived my situation as judgment from God.
By 2005, my son and daughter were grown and were living their own lives. I was interested in meeting someone for a serious relationship and I made the mistake of trying internet dating, with disastrous results, eventually falling into sexual sin. There seemed to be no hope for a better life.
A few weeks after deleting my profile from the dating site, Scott and I crossed paths in a question and answer forum, “Yahoo Answers”, in September 2006. We communicated through the forum. We did not have cell phones or web cams, and email was our source of communication.
He traveled to Memphis to meet me in person for our first meeting in 2007 on New Year’s Day, his birthday. We knew each other from the inside out before meeting face to face. It was truly amazing to match the face and the voice to our shared written words!
In January 2008 Scott brought me to Goshen and we were married later that year. Suddenly, life was in full bloom!!! I did not know such love existed outside of fairy tales!!! Every day was bliss! Life together was wonderful!!!
In March of 2011, without warning, suddenly, quietly, Scott moved to heaven. My heart was shattered. I had no family or friends in Goshen and the church we attended did not offer grief counseling. We had not connected with a small group or other couples in church. We spent all of our free time together and doted on one another. We were still on our honeymoon when he died.
This devastating loss knocked me to the foot of the cross, completely empty and broken. God picked me up and carried me through that deep dark valley over the next 5 years. Life settled into a new routine, and unexplained peace filled my soul. I cried daily, and a peace would come over me that did not make sense. I started reading faith-based books about grief, loss, and healing, as well as the Bible everyday, and I prayed throughout the day. I came to understand that this peace was coming from the Holy Spirit. In addition to formal prayers, I started talking to God. When the pain was raw and the tears would not stop, I told God why I was hurting, what triggered it, and what I missed about life with Scott. Talking to God about the details helped me tremendously. My heart was comforted and a spark of hope grew brighter. The more of my pain I gave to God, the more of Him I received in a strangely beautiful exchange.
A few weeks after Scott died, I knelt beside the bed and began to confess every sin I could remember, praying for forgiveness in tears. I asked Holy Spirit to reveal any hidden or forgotten sin that needed to be confessed, and I prayed for salvation. There was a profound shift in my heart during that powerful evening with the LORD.
God revealed that He had been pursuing me for decades. I sat still before Him, in awe of this revelation–too great for me to grasp completely.
I thanked God for the incredible love Scott and I shared and for enabling me to trust Scott’s love. God had replaced doubt with reassurance about moving to Indiana and leaving behind all that was familiar. I thanked God for the blessings I had received in trusting Him. I understood that Jesus was present in my hurt and dirt in the past, but I could not believe He loved me then because of my circumstances, and I ran from His love. The situations that I faced were not a gauge of God’s love for me. He corrected my distorted view of Him from childhood through adulthood.
God opened old wounds during those years of grief that I thought were already healed. He revealed that the pain experienced with the loss of Scott had roots in the past. I surrendered the broken pieces of my life and He began the process of true healing, while revealing more of Himself through the Word, godly teaching, and quiet time in prayer. Intimacy with God became the thrill of my heart!!
I moved from Goshen to Knoxville, TN, in November 2012. One afternoon in February 2013, I was sitting at my computer, listening to a ministry on TV. I heard a voice in my spirit, “Tell people what I have done for you”. I said, “Huh???” out loud. The words were repeated in confirmation. I struggled with this assignment and did not respond in obedience until the following year. July 4, 2014, was the end of my career as a medical transcriptionist after 37 years, and I began writing full-time. The Holy Spirit guided as I wrote, and subsequently God provided the resources needed for publishing and printing the book. “Showered By Grace” was released in November 2015.
I revisited Goshen over the July 4th weekend in 2016. A dear friend had arranged two book signings, one at the Essenhaus and one at The Electric Brew. I was delighted to see many familiar faces! On Sunday morning, before starting my trip back to Knoxville, I went to the church Scott and I had previously attended, drove through the neighborhood where we had lived, and visited the cemetery. My heart was light and filled with joy!!! As I crossed the Goshen city limits driving south, I was keenly aware that God had freed my heart from the pain of grief and loss. A new chapter in life was beginning and I was eager to move forward.
During a quiet evening with the LORD three months later, He began speaking in my spirit. I grabbed my notebook and pen to capture what He was downloading.
I wrote fast and furious, filling the sheet of paper with His words. He gave me a vision of my future and I began praying for what He had revealed.
In April 2017, following a profound dream, God changed my employment to work as a caregiver with Visiting Angels in Knoxville and drastically decreased my income. I was scared but the desire to obey God was stronger. I became aware of God working in me and through me during the year I spent with this woman.
He directed me to return to Goshen the next year in April 2018. I arrived with no job or shelter arranged, again trusting God to provide. I stayed with a special friend for six weeks. The next month I was employed as a caregiver by a dear friend and her daughter that I had met in 2011.
I was re-baptized in July 2020, after soft nudging by the Holy Spirit. Joy surged through me when I came out of the water and I raised my hands to Him in gratitude!!
My employment ended in August 2021, after 3-1/2 years, with the death of my employer. One morning prior to her death, I was listening to WFRN. The owner of Firefly Home Care, Larson Manifold, was sharing how he and his wife started the company. Before searching for my next job, I prayed for God’s direction. The only response I received was, “Firefly”. I applied and subsequently was hired on September 9, 2021.
I am 63 years old and my best days are still ahead. God is using this faith journey to teach me, to strengthen me, and to equip me to serve. His love is without measure or motive. That love has changed my heart, my mind, and my desires. My life is for His Glory. I thank God for every step that has brought me where I am today in Him. I am forever loved, never alone, and eternally alive in Christ. Hallelujah!!!