I have attended church faithfully since Scott’s death. I love corporate praise and worship, and I am spiritually nourished by the Word of God spoken from the pulpit. That being said, I have struggled with “church people” since I returned to church as an adult with Scott in 2008. My only previous experience was with the small Baptist church I attended in Memphis until my teenage years in the 1970s. This is an area of construction in my walk with God. I have visited or attended different churches during the last 14 years. God’s healing love continues its transforming work in me as I move onward.

The first church I attended in Knoxville, after moving there in 2012, was very large with several satellite campuses in surrounding counties. I was still grieving and my heart was very sensitive. After attending a few months I was connected to a small group of widows. Before joining the group, the leader met with me to know me better. During our conversation, she asked me what I liked to do, in order to help me find a place to serve in the church. Without hesitation I answered that I liked to pray for other people. She was happy with my response and explained that the director of the prayer ministry was always looking for more people to serve on the prayer team. She would contact him and connect us for further communication. I was very excited about this possibility!

A woman who served on the team administratively contacted me, and we had a pleasant conversation. Next, I was contacted by the leader of the women’s prayer team and we had a longer conversation at a meeting in person. I talked extensively about my walk with God, my past, my marriage, and my husband’s death. I answered every question openly. She explained that I would be contacted by the director as the next step, and I was filled with a positive impression at the conclusion of our meeting. I expected to see him at church at some point as I had met these two women, but instead he called me on the phone from an airport in Arizona. He was in a hurry but wanted to inform me that he did not think I was ready for the prayer team. He couldn’t talk as he had a flight to catch and he hung up abruptly. I was crushed. How could he make this assessment without any discussion? This was our first conversation. What was wrong with me that I was not fit to serve? My mind and heart were plagued with questions and doubts and negative thoughts afterwards. I cried and asked God what I was supposed to do at this church. Prior to this conversation, I was confident that I was following the Lord’s will.

I was allowed to serve with the team for a few weeks, and then one night I was invited to a meeting with all of the prayer team, the men and the women, led by the director. The room was full of people, some I had never seen before. I was interrogated in front of this audience by the leader. He asked me many personal questions that seemingly had no connection to serving others in prayer. I could feel the hand of God upon me as the questions were at times embarrassing. His Presence kept me calm and collected as I answered every probing inquiry. Finally, the leader simply said, “You have great humility”. The remainder of the meeting was too uncomfortable to share here publicly. I left the church that night in total confusion, pain, and uncertainty. Is this what church is about? Is this how church people behave and treat others? I was never completely at ease with that group of people during the time that I attended this particular church campus. The leader of the women’s team continued to reassure me that I belonged on the team, but I remained guarded with the others. I loved the people who came forward with prayer needs. I could feel the Holy Spirit moving during those times of ministry.

I transferred to another campus and served there for two years with many blessings and some problems from the church people. I was in awe that God could get anything accomplished in the midst of confusion and drama that sometimes erupted.

God then sent me to a church where I learned from the pastor’s teachings, which I have written about previously. I did not attempt to serve in this church outside of one volunteer project, under the direction of the Lord. There was peace and order here, and I relaxed somewhat in this change of environment. I remember someone speaking on a Wednesday night who made the comment, “Peculiar people cannot be greeters”. This person was talking about matching people with areas of service in the church. I grimaced at these words. I wondered what criteria were used to define that label. My heart hurt for those who might be new in the church and hearing those words, wondering if they were considered too peculiar to serve.

I have attended several bible studies over the years and found most of them to be enlightening in the teaching with good fellowship. Questions were welcome with helpful discussions. The last study I attended was a couple of years ago. During one session, I posed a question that was more of an “I wonder” scenario and not a true doctrine question. I appreciate spiritual imagination and enjoy discussing situations that are not fully explained in the Word. The leader responded with a factual, “The word does not give us that information”. One of the women whipped out her phone, opened the search engine and read a couple of posts, essentially dismissing the question. In subsequent sessions, she assumed leadership of the group and led every question and answer. The women in the group who were her friends followed her leading and gave the same answers to each issue. There was no discussion outside the lines of the “correct” answer. In churches where I have spent any length time, I have observed the same type of women. They do not exhibit true leadership; rather, they are controlling and manipulating, attempting to promote and establish their identity in the church.

Most modern churches push Christian growth through small group participation. An attendee completes an information card and then is strongly encouraged to join a small group. I have witnessed some unbelievable behavior in this area. At one church, one of the small group leaders plainly stated that a person had to meet certain criteria to join her group and she had a list of specific items required; i.e. age, gender, marital status, personality, etc. She had no shame in making these statements out loud. I was horrified. Another church made the announcement that they were starting new life groups and anyone interested could sign up in the foyer. Leadership would try to accommodate the requests, but there was no guarantee of acceptance. Personally I have never applied for a small group position in any church. Is this truly how church is supposed to disciple its members? You have to be screened and approved? Was this instruction inspired by the Holy Spirit?

There are people who are more interested in impressing the pastor and getting as close to the top leadership as possible. Conversations are filled with church activities and what the church is doing. There are those who use the church for networking primarily. They sift through people to find those they will benefit from knowing and ignore the rest. I have observed greeters who look for familiar faces and save their smiles for those they know personally. Where is the love of Christ in all of this?

Jesus reminded me of the Upper Room. The disciples were preoccupied with their own thoughts and desires before the Last Supper, wanting to establish position and rank in the kingdom, rather than listening to Him and understanding that He was preparing to suffer and die. Jesus dealt with religious people during His time on earth and spoke the strongest criticisms against them. He knows the motives of all who enter His House including myself.

No doubt most people could share an unpleasant experience at a church. It is easy to take our eyes off the Lord and get offended by church people. I was reminded this morning by God that the church body is composed of imperfect people and I am flawed as well. He works through us in spite of our inadequacies, miscommunications, and failures, to accomplish His purpose and to teach His children. I desire to keep growing and maturing to be a more effective vessel for Kingdom Work.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” – Psalm 51:10.

(photo courtesy of pexels.com/debannja)