Empty

Many prayers had been lifted for her and her husband over the previous months, and God in His mercy blessed their marriage. Her husband was promoted to a position that allowed him to be home and spend more time with his wife and family. She was relieved of the struggle of doing life alone with their young children while he was on the road.

Now she fills her time with activities outside of her marriage and home. She is involved with multiple groups and church related ministries. She enjoys the awareness, the “fame” of being connected to many people, the community networking, but she is empty at home. Her husband and children are part of her identity, validating her roles and her busy-ness. She has traded her freedom for the celebrity of church involvement and the expectations of those who only know her church mask.

At times she is not sure she can continue the façade, but the alternative is more frightening. What will happen if people discover she is a fraud? Does she want to let go of the attention generated by her activities? She is secretly bored and dissatisfied in her marriage. She poses for photos with her family and shares these on social media to maintain her image of successful wife and mother. Her thoughts follow the same dead-end ruts when she sits still too long. She does not sleep well and is restless. She goes through the motions of family and friend interaction, but these do not bring inner fulfillment. Some women envy her and want to wear her shoes. Their adoration fuels her against the emptiness on the worst days.

There has to be more in life. But the more she pursues through her own efforts, the more unhappy she feels. The more she follows the suggestions of others around her, the further she moves from peace.

She is not honest with her accountability partner and closest friends, so their advice and perspective are skewed. They do not discern the truth and cannot speak effectively into her life. The same lifeless conversations filled with familiar worn phrases and empty useless words are repeated. She sighs. A lot. She searches for inspiration to claim as her own. Nothing comes from her own experience, her own heart. She has no intimate knowledge of much of what she talks about. She has effectively crafted her deception.

She will not look deep within. She will not listen to the still small voice. She fears what she may hear. She gets busy with another idea and tells herself that she is serving God. She allows herself to be carried along by the details of the new project, until she is sufficiently distracted.

She moves through another day of dryness. Another week of performance. Another month of meetings. Another year wasted.

The still small voice waits.